...oh

I've been having a really rough time lately and have just been feeling all around blah. Tonight my mom got a call from the person who is in charge of making sure there are adores in our perpetual Adoration chapel and he needed a sub for the eight to nine holy hour. I really didn't want to go because I had to walk to the church and I really just wanted to stay home and be blah but I decided to go because he really needed someone. I was really frustrated with life and feeling very warn out and tired from the fighting and I was venting to God and He stopped me mid vent and said "you're complaining that the cross I've chosen to give you is to hard and you're to tired and can't seem to find the strength to keep fighting but you never take the time to just be with me? I made you a human being not a human doing! It doesn't have to be a Holy Hour, you don't need to be in Adoration and it doesn't even have to be an hour but take time every day to just BE with me. No talking, no set prayers, just BE!"

My God,
I want to let you have my whole life. I don't want to hold anything back any more.
I'm tired of always fighting you and hanging on to my life. I so badly want to let go and I know that if I do you will catch me but I'm scared. Lord I'm so scared to let go. I want to give everything to you. I feel so exhausted from fighting and I honestly don't want to be afraid because I know you are here but something inside me is still hanging on and I can't make it let go. I feel so weak and tired all the time and I don't want to feel like that any more. I hate feeling like this all the time yet I don't know how to not feel like this. I have felt like this for so long that I don't know how to be any different. Lord please help me change! I can't do this on my own, I need your help. Help me to trust more and more in you. I love you so much and I long to be able to truly say that I have given you everything but I can't do this alone. I need you my God!

I tell you that I love you every day
In the sunsets, in the blue skies, in the green trees
They all whisper of my love for you.
How is it that you don't see my love?
I tell you that I love you every day.
In the smile of a stranger, in a hug from a friend, in the bond of family
They all whisper of my love for you.
How can you not see that I love you?
I tell you that I love you every day
In the music, in the sounds of laughter and in the tears you've shed
They all whisper of my love for you

Prayer to Fall in Love with Christ Crucified.

My Lord,

I long to see the beauty of your cross. My heart desires to be able to look on you crucified and see not just the outward pain and suffering but also the inward beauty that others claim they see. I long to fall in love with you crucified. Lord, if it be in accordance to your Holy Will I ask that you grant me these desires and if it not be in accordance with your Holy Will I ask that you would give me the grace to accept that and the assurance of something even better for me. I ask this to Jesus, through Mary and with Joseph

Amen.

=*(

I have been a part of Lifeteen at my parish since I started eighth grade. In truth I started going to LT kicking and screaming because I did not want to go to LT where I knew nobody I wanted to go to youth group at a different church where all my siblings had gone and where I knew everybody. I was shy, uncomfortable around people that loud, didn't know anyone, and felt very awkward. But then one day that changed. I was sitting in a chair in the corner and Katie came and sat on the arm of the chair and started talking to me. In the course 0f the conversation she managed to fall from the arm of the chair into my lap. And the rest is history...
In June of 2007 I had the chance to go to the Youth Leadership Camp and it changed my life.
At DYLC I went to confession for the first time in three and a half years. I remember it so clearly. On Wednesday of camp the day was started with the stations of the cross. I don't remember anything about how the stations were done but I remember exactly what went through my heart. I was so convicted that I just started sobbing. It was quite probably the hardest I've ever cried in my life before or since. In the evening they had confessions and, only by the grace of God, I made myself go. It was the most intense confession and also the best confession of my life. I was the first person to go to confession and also the first person done so afterward I was alone in the chapel with the Blessed Sacrament. I was laying prostrate in front of the Tabernacle. When I sat up I looked at the Tabernacle and it hit me "Oh my gosh!! That's Jesus, I mean I've always known that that's Jesus but that's really Jesus...and He wants me to marry Him!?!?" Ever since then I've been continually falling in love with Him.
Coming home from Nov. retreat with the Sisters was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. I had spent the last two and a half months preparing to get my application papers in Nov. and then I had to come home and tell people that it didn't happen. What made it so much easier was that I came home and went right to LT. Everyone was so supportive of me and loved me so much even though I was really upset about everything. The same thing happened when I found out I wasn't accepted to NET. Honestly I can't imagine how I would have gotten through this year if it hadn't been for LT.
Not only has LT helped me get through my tough times but it has also given me a place to reach out to others and share about my faith and why it's so important to me. This has happened in many different ways. Whether it was being on a committee that put together the meetings for Sunday nights or helping out with spring retreats it's been a wonderful way for me to share and, I can only hope, set others on fire for Christ.
Which brings me to spring retreats. Honestly I'm not even sure what to say about spring retreats. My first spring retreat was in '08 and the topic was the Mass. The one thing that I remember from this retreat was talking to my small group leader Kelsey after one of the meals about my discernment and she gave me the best advice ever about any choice in life. She said to me "Betsy, if you really believe that God is calling you to this then pursue it! If He isn't then He will let you know before you take final vows and if He is then there you go" Even if I haven't always followed that advice I've never forgotten it.
In '09 the topic was All in the Family. I don't really remember much about this one.
This years spring retreat however I don't think I will ever forget.
My church has always planned and put on spring retreats with Saint James but this spring we invited Saint Martha's to plan with us as well. The theme was the trinity and we had the retreat broken up into four sections: Father, Son, Spirit and summery. My planing team was myself, Jim, Corey, Jen and Joe. I was very blessed to be able to get to know Jim better. I'm not even sure how to express what our friendship means. It's just to hard to put into words so I'll cease trying to do so.
The Saint Martha's group had planned Sunday morning and I just have one thing to say about it.
Spiritual cupcakes. End of story.
Ok not really I do have more to say about Sunday morning. It was on Sunday morning the Brian gave his witness talk. He spoke about his discernment to apply to seminary and how trying the past year had been. Even though our stories are completely different a lot of what he said resonated with what I've been through in the past year. After he was done speaking I went up to him and asked if we could talk after retreat was done and he said yes. When we were talking I really talked about what had happened in Nov. with the Sisters and in Feb. with NET. It was the first time I'd talked about it like that to anyone. That was the start of the wonderful amazing very blessed gift that God has given of our friendship.
There is so much more I could say about Lifeteen but honestly I'm getting stumped trying to put it into words so I guess I'll just be done with this post.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Changes

As you can see there have been some changes in my blog. This is because there have been many changes in my life in the past week. As I said the other day I'm trying to think about my vocation to religious life less and my vocation to life as an eighteen year old college student more. Instead of blogging about my discernment in regards to my vocation to religious life this blog is going to be more about my life as a passionately Catholic young woman in a very non-Catholic world. Not that I won't blog about my discernment again but I am trying to focus on the here and now as opposed to living in the future so much. I choose the picture of the path as a new heading for my blog to express the fact that I am on a journey and I can't see where the path is going but I know that I don't walk this journey alone. I have God with me at all times walking the path ahead of and with me so I don't have to worry.

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

I've been learning a lot in the past week. It hasn't been an easy week and the lessons are ones that are hard for me to learn. I realized tonight that it's the lessons that are the hardest to learn that are the most rewarding when we finally get them. I'm not saying that I've learned all the lessons He's been teaching me for it's a life long and longer process to learn everything God has to teach us. I guess what I'm trying to say is if these things weren't hard what would be the point in learning them? I just realized that I don't really know where this blog post is going. I guess this is just me writing my thoughts as I think them. Some day we will understand why things happen the way that they have happened but in the mean time, enjoy life, live one day at a time, take things easy, dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like there's no tomorrow and go with the flow of God.
"we always wish for Friday, but what ever happened to Monday-Thursday?"

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

God spoke very clearly to me through a conversation with a friend that I've been focusing way to much on my vocation to religious life and not enough on Him and my vocation to being an eighteen year old. This is something that is very hard for me to do because being the youngest of seven I've spent a lot of time trying to grow up quickly and now I'm having a hard time knowing how to let go and let God. There have been so many things in the past day that have given me encouragement and I thought I would share some of them in hopes that if anyone else is struggling with this these will help you as much as they helped me.

"It's often when we don't think about it, He comes out of no where to give us a hint"

"When you reach the top, keep climbing. Little by little one walks far. The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today."

"Whatever did not fit in with my plan did lie within the plan of God. I have an ever deeper and firmer belief that nothing is merely an accident when seen in the light of God that my whole life down to the smallest details has been marked out for me in the plan of Divine Providence and has a completely coherent meaning in God's all-seeing eyes. And so I am beginning to rejoice in the light of glory wherein this meaning will be unveiled to me." ~Saint Teresa Benedicta

"Like a newborn baby, don't be afraid to crawl. Remember when you walk sometimes you fall. So fall on Jesus, fall on Jesus, fall on Jesus and live. Sometimes the way is lonely and steep and filled with pain. So if your sky is dark and pours the rain cry to Jesus, cry to Jesus, cry to Jesus and live. When the love spills over and music fills the night and when you can't contain your joy inside dance for Jesus, dance for Jesus, dance for Jesus and live."

"Your vocation right now is to be a student and daughter. Our Lord will continue to lead you where He Wills!"

"Don't worry yourself ... there are no vacations from our present vocations ... and being "where you are" in life as a student is exactly where you belong! :) ♥"

"All is well. What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?"

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."~Jer. 29:11

There have been many more kind words and prayers being said for me. I know that with God and my friends to keep on encouraging me and lifting me up I will get through this.
God bless you all.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Cloistered Visit

I had my meeting with Sister Mary Rose this morning. I also met with the Prioress Sister Mary Thomas. I sat with the two of them from 10:30 until noon and talked about a little bit of everything. Sister Mary Thomas gave me a Job's Tears Rosary that had been made by one of the sisters and asked that every time I pray the Rosary to say the last Hail Mary for the Nuns. Sister Mary Thomas also gave me a book of vocation stories from their order and Sister Mary Rose gave me a book on Cloistered Dominican life as well as homework to read JPII's letter on consecrated life as well as the letter directed to cloistered nuns specifically. I was able to watch their vocations video as well then spoke to Sister Mary Rose a little bit more. I then went to the Chapel for noon prayer with them which was beautiful! I love the Divine Office very much. Sister Mary Rose and I were talking about the Divine Office and how it not only united those on earth who are praying it but also brings Heaven to Earth. One thing I thought was very interesting was that she said the Divine Office is an elongation of the Mass. I got a chance to stay in Adoration by myself for a little bit after prayer which was wonderful. Their Chapel is so pretty! They have a huge crucifix on the wall which I was looking at as I was praying. They also outside the Chapel have a shrine to the Infant of Prague and it was so pretty. I was able to have lunch with Father Jay, a Dominican from Saint Louis, who is giving the sisters their week long retreat. It was very fun to get to meet another "boy Dominican" and talk to him for a little while. I then called my mom so she could come meet the nuns then went back in the Chapel for just a few minutes then went back to the parlor to talk to Sister Mary Rose again. I also got to meet the postulant, the novice and two other professed sisters. My mom came in after a few minutes and so she also got to meet the sisters. It was quite amazing to see how evident the sisters love for each other is. I had a lot of fun and have been given quite a lot to ponder. We'll see what the good God wills. :D

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.