Discernment

Discernment is a very interesting thing. It takes a lot of patience and sitting in quiet letting God speak to your heart. There is a lot of waiting involved in discernment and you have to take it slowly, one day at a time.
I have always had a plan of how my life is going to go. I have always had my heart set on some plan for what I will do. At one point it was to do Doctors without Boarders, at another point it was to join the Missionaries of Charity, at still another point it was to enter the Sisters of Life.
This past year a lot has changed for me. I've been learning a lot about living in the moment and not trying to discern for the future but to discern for today. This is a huge struggle for me because it scares me a lot to not have a plan. As of right now the plan is to finish college and then enter the SMME. But I have no idea if that is actually what is going to happen. This discerning the cloister is really reminding me of the lessons I've learned in the past year. I have no idea what is going to happen when I meet with Sister Mary Rose. The majority of me is super excited. I feel like a girl getting ready for her first date with a guy she's had a crush on for a long time. I have no clue how this is going to go but I'm really excited for it. At the same time there is a little bit of nervousness because of the fact that I have no clue what is going to happen.
I'm also really confused by this because I've seen in the past few months that God has given me a heart for the world. I see those in the world without Christ and my heart aches for them and I want to share with them the wonderful things that I have found in Christ. I also have begun to have a passion for the deaf community. I want to be able to make religious life accessible to those who are deaf. I want to be able to reach out to the deaf and be able to evangelize to them. How can I do this if I'm in the cloister? I know that I can do this through prayer and personal sacrifice if that is what He wants of me, and that is one big lesson I've learned since starting to discern with them, but I feel like if I'm in the cloister I won't be able to do it in the way I think He wants me to. But if that's the case then why am I discerning with them? If I'm not called to the cloister then why did He tell me so strongly that I need to discern with them?
I'm currently doing a media fast with one of my friends. For the next three weekends I'm not listening to the radio or going on youtube so today has been mostly really quiet. It's given me a good chance to think about all this and honestly my mind is still going round in circles. I'm really not sure what to feel about this at all. I think I'm going to head to Adoration soon.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

YIKES!!

I just received an email from Sister Mary Rose who is the novice mistress for the cloistered Dominican nuns in Farmington Hills. I'm going to be visiting on August fifth, one week from today, to talk about discerning with them. I'm very nervous about it because until May retreat with the SMME I never would have thought about the cloister again. He made it very clear to me that I need to discern with these particular Dominican Nuns and so I'm doing it but I'm really nervous, scared and yet at the same time totally excited beyond words. I haven't stopped smiling since I got the email this afternoon but I'm shaking and have butterflies in my tummy as well. I have no idea where this is going to lead and I think that is what scares me the most.
I'm not so much scared that I will visit them and come to find out that that is where He wants me. I'm scared that I will go visit them, fall totally in love with the sisters and the life etc, and have Him tell me that's not where I belong. I don't know why that scares me so much. I know that I will only be happy and content where ever He wants me. But that happened to me when I went to visit the TOR sisters and it hurts. A lot.
But so much more then being scared and nervous I'm very excited! I get to say mid day prayer with them and have lunch with the priest who is giving their retreat as well as talk to Sister Mary Rose.
Please pray that I will have peace about all this and that I will be able to last this week without bursting from excitement. :D

JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Love

Peace and stillness fill my soul.
A silence a waiting are in my heart.
Waiting for what?
For something unknown and unseen.
For something so big I can never find it.
For something known as intimately as a friend and lover
For something I've seen again and again
For something so small I can never lose sight of it.
For God
The biggest paradox
Love
Beaten and battered
Love
Hung on a cross
Love
Left alone to die
Love
Dead
How can this be that Love could die?
Is not Love supposed to conquer all?
And yet here is Love dead.
But wait
Do not give up hope just yet
for if you wait you will see
Love's death
Conquers sin
Love's death
Saves us from sin
Love's death
Brings us to life
Love dead
Has risen again!

I can journal again!!

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I had my right hand in a splint for a month from falling down the stairs, spraining my wrist, dislocating my thumb and fracturing my elbow which made it rather hard to type. No worries though, it's all better now so I can type and I can journal again. Yesterday was the first day I was able to journal and I wrote four full pages! :D Here's two poems that I wrote yesterday.

Silver and Gold

What will you do with your silver and gold?
Will you use it to build idols, the useless things of the world
or will you use it to build a temple for the one true God?

Each one of us has our own wealth of silver and gold
Our talent and our gifts
What will you do with yours?

Thought it seems so hard to give it all to Jesus
It would be so much easier to be "normal" and keep it to yourself
In the end it is only by giving it all to the One who gave all for you
That you will be able to enjoy your wealth and help others

What will you do with yours?

The Beloved of the Crucified One.

Why would anyone do this?
Why would anyone freely choose to live a life of poverty, chastity and obedience?
What could possibly be reward enough to leave behind family, friends, career, money, and a family of your own, all the world holds dear?
The answer is simple, and yet so complicated a mystery
To become the Bride of Christ the Crucified One.
He is the only reason to live this life
Only in becoming one with Christ Crucified does this life have meaning.
To crucify my wants and desires in order to bring spiritual life to the world, to become a mother of souls and to show to others a foretaste of Heaven, all while more and more becoming one with my Christ crucified.
To become one with Christ crucified means to become crucified myself.
Joining my sufferings and trails to my Beloved one hanging on the cross.
To live out, every day, a share in the cross of Christ.
To, every day, through receiving Him in the Eucharist, become one with Him.
To give up everything the world holds dear is to gain in return the only thing that truly matters.
Christ Jesus Himself, crucified, dead, and risen again.
Though it is difficult, the rewards of being the Bride of Christ far outweigh the costs.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.