Brand New Piggy Banks

The title of this post will make sense in a moment I promise!
I was talking to my friend Jenn about life and she came up with this analogy.

We are like a piggy bank and all our treasures are the money the bank.
God gives us our treasures and He wants us to leave them on the table so He can get to them easier but we, being stubborn, put the money back into the bank so we can keep it safe and sound. Then He has to break the bank in order to get the money out which hurts a lot. After much pain and heartache He gets all the money back on the table and says "okay I want you to leave this here on the table so I can use them." So we say "okay God, you can use my coins." Then a few minutes later we see one coin that we really want to keep "just for me". So we think "Oh it doesn't matter, it's just one little coin. What could it really be used for? I think I'll just take it for myself." We do that again and again until all the coins are in the bank again. Then He has to break the bank again and this is an on going cycle for many of us.
When you are given a brand new piggy bank don't make Him break it again. Leave your coins on the table and truly let Him use you!

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

...oh

I've been having a really rough time lately and have just been feeling all around blah. Tonight my mom got a call from the person who is in charge of making sure there are adores in our perpetual Adoration chapel and he needed a sub for the eight to nine holy hour. I really didn't want to go because I had to walk to the church and I really just wanted to stay home and be blah but I decided to go because he really needed someone. I was really frustrated with life and feeling very warn out and tired from the fighting and I was venting to God and He stopped me mid vent and said "you're complaining that the cross I've chosen to give you is to hard and you're to tired and can't seem to find the strength to keep fighting but you never take the time to just be with me? I made you a human being not a human doing! It doesn't have to be a Holy Hour, you don't need to be in Adoration and it doesn't even have to be an hour but take time every day to just BE with me. No talking, no set prayers, just BE!"

My God,
I want to let you have my whole life. I don't want to hold anything back any more.
I'm tired of always fighting you and hanging on to my life. I so badly want to let go and I know that if I do you will catch me but I'm scared. Lord I'm so scared to let go. I want to give everything to you. I feel so exhausted from fighting and I honestly don't want to be afraid because I know you are here but something inside me is still hanging on and I can't make it let go. I feel so weak and tired all the time and I don't want to feel like that any more. I hate feeling like this all the time yet I don't know how to not feel like this. I have felt like this for so long that I don't know how to be any different. Lord please help me change! I can't do this on my own, I need your help. Help me to trust more and more in you. I love you so much and I long to be able to truly say that I have given you everything but I can't do this alone. I need you my God!

I tell you that I love you every day
In the sunsets, in the blue skies, in the green trees
They all whisper of my love for you.
How is it that you don't see my love?
I tell you that I love you every day.
In the smile of a stranger, in a hug from a friend, in the bond of family
They all whisper of my love for you.
How can you not see that I love you?
I tell you that I love you every day
In the music, in the sounds of laughter and in the tears you've shed
They all whisper of my love for you

Prayer to Fall in Love with Christ Crucified.

My Lord,

I long to see the beauty of your cross. My heart desires to be able to look on you crucified and see not just the outward pain and suffering but also the inward beauty that others claim they see. I long to fall in love with you crucified. Lord, if it be in accordance to your Holy Will I ask that you grant me these desires and if it not be in accordance with your Holy Will I ask that you would give me the grace to accept that and the assurance of something even better for me. I ask this to Jesus, through Mary and with Joseph

Amen.

=*(

I have been a part of Lifeteen at my parish since I started eighth grade. In truth I started going to LT kicking and screaming because I did not want to go to LT where I knew nobody I wanted to go to youth group at a different church where all my siblings had gone and where I knew everybody. I was shy, uncomfortable around people that loud, didn't know anyone, and felt very awkward. But then one day that changed. I was sitting in a chair in the corner and Katie came and sat on the arm of the chair and started talking to me. In the course 0f the conversation she managed to fall from the arm of the chair into my lap. And the rest is history...
In June of 2007 I had the chance to go to the Youth Leadership Camp and it changed my life.
At DYLC I went to confession for the first time in three and a half years. I remember it so clearly. On Wednesday of camp the day was started with the stations of the cross. I don't remember anything about how the stations were done but I remember exactly what went through my heart. I was so convicted that I just started sobbing. It was quite probably the hardest I've ever cried in my life before or since. In the evening they had confessions and, only by the grace of God, I made myself go. It was the most intense confession and also the best confession of my life. I was the first person to go to confession and also the first person done so afterward I was alone in the chapel with the Blessed Sacrament. I was laying prostrate in front of the Tabernacle. When I sat up I looked at the Tabernacle and it hit me "Oh my gosh!! That's Jesus, I mean I've always known that that's Jesus but that's really Jesus...and He wants me to marry Him!?!?" Ever since then I've been continually falling in love with Him.
Coming home from Nov. retreat with the Sisters was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. I had spent the last two and a half months preparing to get my application papers in Nov. and then I had to come home and tell people that it didn't happen. What made it so much easier was that I came home and went right to LT. Everyone was so supportive of me and loved me so much even though I was really upset about everything. The same thing happened when I found out I wasn't accepted to NET. Honestly I can't imagine how I would have gotten through this year if it hadn't been for LT.
Not only has LT helped me get through my tough times but it has also given me a place to reach out to others and share about my faith and why it's so important to me. This has happened in many different ways. Whether it was being on a committee that put together the meetings for Sunday nights or helping out with spring retreats it's been a wonderful way for me to share and, I can only hope, set others on fire for Christ.
Which brings me to spring retreats. Honestly I'm not even sure what to say about spring retreats. My first spring retreat was in '08 and the topic was the Mass. The one thing that I remember from this retreat was talking to my small group leader Kelsey after one of the meals about my discernment and she gave me the best advice ever about any choice in life. She said to me "Betsy, if you really believe that God is calling you to this then pursue it! If He isn't then He will let you know before you take final vows and if He is then there you go" Even if I haven't always followed that advice I've never forgotten it.
In '09 the topic was All in the Family. I don't really remember much about this one.
This years spring retreat however I don't think I will ever forget.
My church has always planned and put on spring retreats with Saint James but this spring we invited Saint Martha's to plan with us as well. The theme was the trinity and we had the retreat broken up into four sections: Father, Son, Spirit and summery. My planing team was myself, Jim, Corey, Jen and Joe. I was very blessed to be able to get to know Jim better. I'm not even sure how to express what our friendship means. It's just to hard to put into words so I'll cease trying to do so.
The Saint Martha's group had planned Sunday morning and I just have one thing to say about it.
Spiritual cupcakes. End of story.
Ok not really I do have more to say about Sunday morning. It was on Sunday morning the Brian gave his witness talk. He spoke about his discernment to apply to seminary and how trying the past year had been. Even though our stories are completely different a lot of what he said resonated with what I've been through in the past year. After he was done speaking I went up to him and asked if we could talk after retreat was done and he said yes. When we were talking I really talked about what had happened in Nov. with the Sisters and in Feb. with NET. It was the first time I'd talked about it like that to anyone. That was the start of the wonderful amazing very blessed gift that God has given of our friendship.
There is so much more I could say about Lifeteen but honestly I'm getting stumped trying to put it into words so I guess I'll just be done with this post.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Changes

As you can see there have been some changes in my blog. This is because there have been many changes in my life in the past week. As I said the other day I'm trying to think about my vocation to religious life less and my vocation to life as an eighteen year old college student more. Instead of blogging about my discernment in regards to my vocation to religious life this blog is going to be more about my life as a passionately Catholic young woman in a very non-Catholic world. Not that I won't blog about my discernment again but I am trying to focus on the here and now as opposed to living in the future so much. I choose the picture of the path as a new heading for my blog to express the fact that I am on a journey and I can't see where the path is going but I know that I don't walk this journey alone. I have God with me at all times walking the path ahead of and with me so I don't have to worry.

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

I've been learning a lot in the past week. It hasn't been an easy week and the lessons are ones that are hard for me to learn. I realized tonight that it's the lessons that are the hardest to learn that are the most rewarding when we finally get them. I'm not saying that I've learned all the lessons He's been teaching me for it's a life long and longer process to learn everything God has to teach us. I guess what I'm trying to say is if these things weren't hard what would be the point in learning them? I just realized that I don't really know where this blog post is going. I guess this is just me writing my thoughts as I think them. Some day we will understand why things happen the way that they have happened but in the mean time, enjoy life, live one day at a time, take things easy, dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like there's no tomorrow and go with the flow of God.
"we always wish for Friday, but what ever happened to Monday-Thursday?"

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

God spoke very clearly to me through a conversation with a friend that I've been focusing way to much on my vocation to religious life and not enough on Him and my vocation to being an eighteen year old. This is something that is very hard for me to do because being the youngest of seven I've spent a lot of time trying to grow up quickly and now I'm having a hard time knowing how to let go and let God. There have been so many things in the past day that have given me encouragement and I thought I would share some of them in hopes that if anyone else is struggling with this these will help you as much as they helped me.

"It's often when we don't think about it, He comes out of no where to give us a hint"

"When you reach the top, keep climbing. Little by little one walks far. The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today."

"Whatever did not fit in with my plan did lie within the plan of God. I have an ever deeper and firmer belief that nothing is merely an accident when seen in the light of God that my whole life down to the smallest details has been marked out for me in the plan of Divine Providence and has a completely coherent meaning in God's all-seeing eyes. And so I am beginning to rejoice in the light of glory wherein this meaning will be unveiled to me." ~Saint Teresa Benedicta

"Like a newborn baby, don't be afraid to crawl. Remember when you walk sometimes you fall. So fall on Jesus, fall on Jesus, fall on Jesus and live. Sometimes the way is lonely and steep and filled with pain. So if your sky is dark and pours the rain cry to Jesus, cry to Jesus, cry to Jesus and live. When the love spills over and music fills the night and when you can't contain your joy inside dance for Jesus, dance for Jesus, dance for Jesus and live."

"Your vocation right now is to be a student and daughter. Our Lord will continue to lead you where He Wills!"

"Don't worry yourself ... there are no vacations from our present vocations ... and being "where you are" in life as a student is exactly where you belong! :) ♥"

"All is well. What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?"

"'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."~Jer. 29:11

There have been many more kind words and prayers being said for me. I know that with God and my friends to keep on encouraging me and lifting me up I will get through this.
God bless you all.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Cloistered Visit

I had my meeting with Sister Mary Rose this morning. I also met with the Prioress Sister Mary Thomas. I sat with the two of them from 10:30 until noon and talked about a little bit of everything. Sister Mary Thomas gave me a Job's Tears Rosary that had been made by one of the sisters and asked that every time I pray the Rosary to say the last Hail Mary for the Nuns. Sister Mary Thomas also gave me a book of vocation stories from their order and Sister Mary Rose gave me a book on Cloistered Dominican life as well as homework to read JPII's letter on consecrated life as well as the letter directed to cloistered nuns specifically. I was able to watch their vocations video as well then spoke to Sister Mary Rose a little bit more. I then went to the Chapel for noon prayer with them which was beautiful! I love the Divine Office very much. Sister Mary Rose and I were talking about the Divine Office and how it not only united those on earth who are praying it but also brings Heaven to Earth. One thing I thought was very interesting was that she said the Divine Office is an elongation of the Mass. I got a chance to stay in Adoration by myself for a little bit after prayer which was wonderful. Their Chapel is so pretty! They have a huge crucifix on the wall which I was looking at as I was praying. They also outside the Chapel have a shrine to the Infant of Prague and it was so pretty. I was able to have lunch with Father Jay, a Dominican from Saint Louis, who is giving the sisters their week long retreat. It was very fun to get to meet another "boy Dominican" and talk to him for a little while. I then called my mom so she could come meet the nuns then went back in the Chapel for just a few minutes then went back to the parlor to talk to Sister Mary Rose again. I also got to meet the postulant, the novice and two other professed sisters. My mom came in after a few minutes and so she also got to meet the sisters. It was quite amazing to see how evident the sisters love for each other is. I had a lot of fun and have been given quite a lot to ponder. We'll see what the good God wills. :D

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Discernment

Discernment is a very interesting thing. It takes a lot of patience and sitting in quiet letting God speak to your heart. There is a lot of waiting involved in discernment and you have to take it slowly, one day at a time.
I have always had a plan of how my life is going to go. I have always had my heart set on some plan for what I will do. At one point it was to do Doctors without Boarders, at another point it was to join the Missionaries of Charity, at still another point it was to enter the Sisters of Life.
This past year a lot has changed for me. I've been learning a lot about living in the moment and not trying to discern for the future but to discern for today. This is a huge struggle for me because it scares me a lot to not have a plan. As of right now the plan is to finish college and then enter the SMME. But I have no idea if that is actually what is going to happen. This discerning the cloister is really reminding me of the lessons I've learned in the past year. I have no idea what is going to happen when I meet with Sister Mary Rose. The majority of me is super excited. I feel like a girl getting ready for her first date with a guy she's had a crush on for a long time. I have no clue how this is going to go but I'm really excited for it. At the same time there is a little bit of nervousness because of the fact that I have no clue what is going to happen.
I'm also really confused by this because I've seen in the past few months that God has given me a heart for the world. I see those in the world without Christ and my heart aches for them and I want to share with them the wonderful things that I have found in Christ. I also have begun to have a passion for the deaf community. I want to be able to make religious life accessible to those who are deaf. I want to be able to reach out to the deaf and be able to evangelize to them. How can I do this if I'm in the cloister? I know that I can do this through prayer and personal sacrifice if that is what He wants of me, and that is one big lesson I've learned since starting to discern with them, but I feel like if I'm in the cloister I won't be able to do it in the way I think He wants me to. But if that's the case then why am I discerning with them? If I'm not called to the cloister then why did He tell me so strongly that I need to discern with them?
I'm currently doing a media fast with one of my friends. For the next three weekends I'm not listening to the radio or going on youtube so today has been mostly really quiet. It's given me a good chance to think about all this and honestly my mind is still going round in circles. I'm really not sure what to feel about this at all. I think I'm going to head to Adoration soon.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

YIKES!!

I just received an email from Sister Mary Rose who is the novice mistress for the cloistered Dominican nuns in Farmington Hills. I'm going to be visiting on August fifth, one week from today, to talk about discerning with them. I'm very nervous about it because until May retreat with the SMME I never would have thought about the cloister again. He made it very clear to me that I need to discern with these particular Dominican Nuns and so I'm doing it but I'm really nervous, scared and yet at the same time totally excited beyond words. I haven't stopped smiling since I got the email this afternoon but I'm shaking and have butterflies in my tummy as well. I have no idea where this is going to lead and I think that is what scares me the most.
I'm not so much scared that I will visit them and come to find out that that is where He wants me. I'm scared that I will go visit them, fall totally in love with the sisters and the life etc, and have Him tell me that's not where I belong. I don't know why that scares me so much. I know that I will only be happy and content where ever He wants me. But that happened to me when I went to visit the TOR sisters and it hurts. A lot.
But so much more then being scared and nervous I'm very excited! I get to say mid day prayer with them and have lunch with the priest who is giving their retreat as well as talk to Sister Mary Rose.
Please pray that I will have peace about all this and that I will be able to last this week without bursting from excitement. :D

JMJ+
~Betsy
Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Love

Peace and stillness fill my soul.
A silence a waiting are in my heart.
Waiting for what?
For something unknown and unseen.
For something so big I can never find it.
For something known as intimately as a friend and lover
For something I've seen again and again
For something so small I can never lose sight of it.
For God
The biggest paradox
Love
Beaten and battered
Love
Hung on a cross
Love
Left alone to die
Love
Dead
How can this be that Love could die?
Is not Love supposed to conquer all?
And yet here is Love dead.
But wait
Do not give up hope just yet
for if you wait you will see
Love's death
Conquers sin
Love's death
Saves us from sin
Love's death
Brings us to life
Love dead
Has risen again!

I can journal again!!

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I had my right hand in a splint for a month from falling down the stairs, spraining my wrist, dislocating my thumb and fracturing my elbow which made it rather hard to type. No worries though, it's all better now so I can type and I can journal again. Yesterday was the first day I was able to journal and I wrote four full pages! :D Here's two poems that I wrote yesterday.

Silver and Gold

What will you do with your silver and gold?
Will you use it to build idols, the useless things of the world
or will you use it to build a temple for the one true God?

Each one of us has our own wealth of silver and gold
Our talent and our gifts
What will you do with yours?

Thought it seems so hard to give it all to Jesus
It would be so much easier to be "normal" and keep it to yourself
In the end it is only by giving it all to the One who gave all for you
That you will be able to enjoy your wealth and help others

What will you do with yours?

The Beloved of the Crucified One.

Why would anyone do this?
Why would anyone freely choose to live a life of poverty, chastity and obedience?
What could possibly be reward enough to leave behind family, friends, career, money, and a family of your own, all the world holds dear?
The answer is simple, and yet so complicated a mystery
To become the Bride of Christ the Crucified One.
He is the only reason to live this life
Only in becoming one with Christ Crucified does this life have meaning.
To crucify my wants and desires in order to bring spiritual life to the world, to become a mother of souls and to show to others a foretaste of Heaven, all while more and more becoming one with my Christ crucified.
To become one with Christ crucified means to become crucified myself.
Joining my sufferings and trails to my Beloved one hanging on the cross.
To live out, every day, a share in the cross of Christ.
To, every day, through receiving Him in the Eucharist, become one with Him.
To give up everything the world holds dear is to gain in return the only thing that truly matters.
Christ Jesus Himself, crucified, dead, and risen again.
Though it is difficult, the rewards of being the Bride of Christ far outweigh the costs.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Book writting

Yesterday I was talking to a friend and we started talking about literature. I said "I have all these different plot lines in my head but I've never really learned to write and I don't know how to get it down on paper." My friend encouraged me to give it a try so here's what I have so far.
The basic plot line is a high school girl named Elise who becomes friends with this girl Jo at her school. Jo has cancer and is loosing her hair and people make fun of her. Elise is always being teased about her faith because she is very open about it. Now she is being teased about befriending Jo as well. One day her mom comes home from visiting with her (Elise's) grandma and she has a book for her from her grandma. It's her great uncle Father doesn't-have-a-name-yet's diary from WWII. He was sent to Auschwitz for hiding Jews in his rectory.
What I have so far
"Elise!" my mother called me when she got home from Grandma's house. "Coming" I said as I set down my knitting. "What are you doing up there?" "I'm working on Jo's hat" I told her. Jo is one of my new friends from school. She has cancer and is loosing all her hair. She is teased a lot about being bald and she doesn't have many friends any more. "That's wonderful, I'm so proud of you for what you are doing" my mom said. "Thanks" I replied "It just makes me sad to see her teased about her looks, I think she is beautiful just the way she is!" "I know it's hard to put up with the teasing, but I have something I think might help cheer you up" said mom holding a package wrapped in old tissue paper. "I knew it when I saw it in your hand! That's another book from the original Wizard of Oz collection, isn't it?! Where did you find it?!" I stammered as I practically flew down the stairs. "Well not quite. It's just an old journal your grandma gave me. Thought you'd like to see it." At the sound of her words, my whirl of excited energy evaporated. "Oh." I said, "Gee, thanks mom." I took it from her with a half smile painted on my face; she stroked my hair and then left to cut up some fresh veggies for dinner.
I unwrapped the book as I meandered back upstairs. Oh well, I thought, I'll never find that Oz book anyway. I tucked the journal away on my bookshelf for later, struggling as I squeezed it into the thicket of stacked books that I conveniently dubbed "the black hole". After all, that hat wasn't going to knit itself!

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills

Discrening with Hope

us One day I was talking to one of my friends and I was freaking out about my future and she said to me "Betsy, some day we are both going to be where He wants us and we will look in the mirror and think 'why was I so worried, of course it all worked out!' and everything will be fine. But most convents don't have mirrors so I guess you will have to use a really shiny spoon."
That was the inspiration for this poem.

What is my future going to be, where is He leading me?
Will it be marriage or religious life?
If it is religious life will it be somewhere else, or here with the SMME?

Will I ever know where this is leading? Will I ever figure this out?
How can I know what He wants of me?
What is my life all about?

I guess I just have to trust to Him everything, in and out of sight.
To offer it all to Him in the hands of my Lady.
To believe with all my heart that He will tell me when the time is proper and right.

Some day I will know what He wants of me. Looking in the mirror, or a really shiny spoon, I will realize how silly this worrying is. I will realize that He has always had me in His hands and why it was all meant to be.

So no matter how worried or confused you may be about His plans for your future, just remind yourself about shiny spoons and TRUST IN HIM!

Peace = Confusion + hope!

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Thoughts on the Gospel

Jesus said to his disciples:

“This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.

No one has greater love than this,

to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

You are my friends if you do what I command you.

I no longer call you slaves,

because a slave does not know what his master is doing.

I have called you friends,

because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father.

It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you

and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain,

so that whatever you ask the Father in my name he may give you.

This I command you: love one another.”

I had a lot of interesting things running through my head when I heard this reading today.

First the line "no greater love has a man then this, to lay down his life for a friend." When I heard that I thought instead of laying down my life, laying down my desire for religious life, my want to be understood and my strong desire for community. Mary has been speaking a lot to me about martyring my desire for religious life and letting Jesus kill it for a time so that I can focus on what He wants of me right now, namely to be in the world for a time so He can use me to reach souls. Instead of laying down my life, I need to lay down my hopes, wants, dreams and desires. Though the desire for religious life is a good thing in itself, it's not a good thing if it stops or hinders me from totally embracing His most holy and perfect will for me which is to wait.

Second the line "You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you."
Of course I related this to my vocation first, but then it struck me that it's not only that He chose me for His bride, but He also chose me to be in the world for a while. This is something that I've really struggled with in the past year, but I've come to learn that it's just as important to think about your current vocation as it is to think about the one in the future. It's a thin line to find between thinking about it way to much and not thinking about it enough. I can't tell you how to find that line for yourself but keep looking and trying your best and most importantly, don't beat yourself up if you don't keep to the line.

As usual, you are all in my prayers. God bless you!

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Butt Prints in the Sand

When I was on retreat with the Franciscan Sisters of Penance of the Sorrowful Mother Sister Therese read this poem. It's very funny but at the same time very convicting.

Butt Prints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

So what are you doing with your life? We all need God to carry us at times, but there does come a time when we have to get down from Daddy's arms and start walking for ourselves. So what are you doing with your life? Are you jumping down from Daddy's arms and taking the leap of faith, or are you leaving your butt prints in the sand?

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Wow! This really makes you think

This is a very amazing man!

Holy Hour

Normally on Tuesdays after class I go to Mass then stay on campus to get my homework done, then stay for sip and sign. This past Tuesday I went to Mass in the morning and wasn't going to be staying for sip and sign so I came home right after class and forgot to get my homework done. So I had to go to the library yesterday to get it done because it's due today. I was standing outside waiting for my ride and one of my friends walked by. We started talking and after a while she said to me "I don't know if you know this, but there's a group that has a Holy Hour every Wednesday night at 7:00 at the cathedral if you want to come. Father Steve is speaking." I really wanted to go because I love Father Steve and he moved recently and I hadn't seen him in a while. I was able to make it and it was amazing! There was a reason I was meant to be there.
It was very peaceful and relaxing. Everything that Father said and all the music was really what I needed right now. Father's meditation was about feeling the longing for intimacy and how each one of us longs for intimacy with another. He talked about how if we are dealing with unrequited love we should think about how much love God gives that is unrequited and we should unite that suffering to His suffering. One thing that he said that really stuck was that God doesn't want us to pretend anymore. To me this whole meditation really spoke to me about having to wait to enter the convent. Not directly but in a lot of ways I took it in relation to that. For instance, I feel sometimes like I'm not loving God enough here or that I can't do enough here. How often does God feel like He can't do anything in the lives of the people here on earth?
I guess it just really opened my heart more to being willing to suffer for those in the world. Of course if won't be easy, but I know that God has given me this for a reason and all I need to do is let Him use me.
I've also been struggling a lot still with having to wait, as much as I've come to accept it and be fine with it, it is still very hard. I was very convicted when Father said that God doesn't want us to pretend any more. I think I finally realized that I have been pretending for the past six months that everything is fine and you know what? It's really not. I am having a hard time with everything that happened, and I'm not dealing with it perfectly, but that's okay. I don't need to be perfect, I just need God. God living in me is the only thing that will get me through this all.
After Adoration we hung out for a while in the parish hall. I had a ton of fun, met a lot of new people and felt like I really fit in for the first time. There were three women who remembered me from Nov. retreat with the Dominicans and one of them was wearing her SMME shirt that she won in white elephant on retreat! It was really good to be around people the same age as me who are just as passionate as me about their faith. Plus, the group is called Totus Tuus and I found them the day I started my total consecration to Mary! How amazing is that?

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Saint Catherine pray for us.

Nor is the sacrament itself diminished by being divided, any more than is fire, to take an example. If you had a burning lamp and all the world came to you for light, the light of your lamp would not be diminished by the sharing, yet each person who shared it would have the whole light. True, each one's light would be more or less intense depending on what sort of material each brought to receive the fire. I give you this example so that you may better understand me. Imagine that many people brought candles, and one person's candle weighed one ounce, another's more than that, and they all came to your lamp to light their candles. Each candle, the smallest as well as the largest, would have the whole light with all its heat and color and brightness. Still, you would think that the person who carried the one-ounce candle would have less than the one whose candle weighed a pound. Well, this is how it goes with those who receive this sacrament. Each one of you brings your own candle, that is, the holy desire with which you receive and eat this sacrament. Your candle by itself is unlit, and it is lighted when you receive this sacrament. I say it is unlit because by yourselves you are nothing at all. It is I who have given you the candle with which you can receive this light and nourish it within you. And your candle is love, because it is for love that I created you, so without love you cannot have life.

The Dialogue
St. Catherine of Siena

Happy feast day of Saint Catherine.

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Hm...

I'm kind of frustrated and scared right now. I'm starting to doubt that I can actually do the whole sign language program. It's really hard and I'm only in the first class right now, it's only going to get more hard. I don't know why He wants me to do this and I'm really scared. I also don't know what difference I'm making here in Lansing. How am I doing more here then in the convent? I don't know if I'm going about sharing my faith with people in the right way. I don't want people to be afraid of me or in awe of me or anything like that. I also don't want people to think my life is perfect because it's not. Yes, on the outside it looks like a very easy life, but that's because everything is on the inside and I don't know how to show what's going on on the inside at all.
But even in the middle of all these doubts and questions, I know one thing, that this is God's will for me right now and He alone will get me through it. I don't know why or when or how or anything like that but I do know that He will and that's what I'm clinging to. One thing I learned from my retreat with the Franciscan Sisters is that confusion is okay! Questions are good. We need to question God so that He can teach us. But we need to question once and then believe! We need confusion but with hope! For without hope confusion turns to anxiety. Don't be afraid of the confusion, it's a normal part of life and everyone needs to deal with it. But deal with it with hope and deal with it with Christ!

JMJ+

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

A Letter from Mary

When I journal I write down what I hear in the form of letters. This is one I received from Mary on the fourteenth of this month.

My Rose,
You have entrusted your heart and your vocation to me, so let me have them. I will lead you to my son, I've told you this again and again, I will lead you and you will get there. But first you must live a "normal" life on the outside, but on the inside, be radically different. Do not be afraid to be passionately pure and radically in love with my Son for that is what will draw them to Him. Because you are so unassuming in your faith and yet will never let it be shaken you will win many souls to my Son. Always remember that with the call comes the grace and He won't bring you to it if He won't bring you through it. Do not fear that you will lose your vocation because the reason He has you picked for this work is exactly because He knows that He has given you strength and clarity of vision that will enable you to live consecrated in the world for a time without loosing that call to religious life in the convent. That is such a gift!
Your time will come, let me lead you and let Him love you into a big huge beautiful Rose bloom but in the mean time, let us love you as you are, small, pink and beautiful! I love you and I will protect my rose.
~Mama Mary

The story behind calling me her rose is from retreat with the Franciscans this past weekend. On Friday night during Adoration we each had a chance to kneel right in front of the Alter and pray. We were told before Adoration that after we were done praying we should take a rose from a vase under the alter and that that was our rose from Jesus. Most of the flowers were big rose blooms but there were a few that were tiny, just barely pink rose buds. I took one of the pink ones. As I was praying in Adoration God said to me "This flower is your vocation right now. I promise that some day you will be a big beautiful red rose bloom but right now you are still beautiful and you can still spread your fragrance in the world." In Adoration on Monday I was journaling about retreat and when I was done, right before I left, a name popped into my head. Miria Rose. Miria is the Aramaic for Mary so it means Mary's Rose. I totally fell in love with the name and I really believe that she was telling me through that to give my vocation to her. It was in Adoration a few days latter that she gave me this letter. It has been very encouraging and I hope and pray that it will encourage you in some small way as well.
God bless you and keep you in His loving hands

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

An Act of Love.

I found this prayer in my prayer book and would encourage all of you to start praying it as often as possible for the conversion of America. It is very simple and can be said over and over again many times a day.
"Jesus, Mary, I love you with my whole heart. Save souls."
The first time I prayed this prayer I was in Adoration and Jesus showed me the gates of Purgatory being opened and countless souls being freed. However the prayer isn't just to save souls from Purgatory, it is also to save the souls of those still living. Please, I can't encourage you enough, please say this prayer for the poor lost souls here in America. We need to start battling for our fellow countrymen. We need to repent of our sins and pray for their conversion and repentance.
I would also encourage you to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy daily for this intention.
Prayer and fasting are the most powerful tools we have against Satan. Let us use them!

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

YAY!!! God is So Good!

So today has been a really good day! :D It started out looking like it was going to shape up to be not a good day. I was rather sad this morning and in the car on the way to class felt like I was about to start crying for no good reason at all and then was worried about my quiz and if my emotions were going to make me freak out about my quiz etc. I was also worried because Sip and Sign moved and I didn't know where and I don't really know my way around campus that well because I only have one class.
So I got to class and pulled out my Rosary and started praying a Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I left my Rosary in my lap for the whole class and when I would have the time I would grab it and start praying it. Then when it was time for the quiz I said "Saints Thomas and Joseph (Cupertino, the patron of test takers) pray for me!" I'm pretty sure I only got two words wrong on my quiz and I wasn't freaking out at all!
After class I was in the Library doing my homework and I got distracted and went on the website of the Dominicans. I was looking at their pictures from Holy Week last year and it made me really happy! Then I was checking my email, this was after I was done with homework don't worry!, and I got an email from Sister Therese about the retreat which is only TEN DAYS from now! and so know I'm all super happy and excited about that.
I found Sip and Sign no problems at all. It was also really fun because we played speed dating but we had to sign everything. I was a guy because we only had two guys there so some of us girls were guys. One of the girls I was paired with was a 121 year old wooden shoe maker from Holland. One of the other girls had a pet pig and 15 kids. There was a lot of laughing going on. It was really fun though because I finally feel like I'm making friends there.
On the way home I was sitting near the front of the bus and there was a man talking to the driver. I happened to overhear the driver say "I'm not Catholic, Christian but not Catholic. Why don't they eat meat on that day?" He said "I don't know, it's part of their religion." I was able to explain it to them. It was really cool for me because I've heard those kinds of stories but never been in that kind of situation before.
Plus it's a wonderful sunny day outside! :D
GOD IS GOOD! ALL THE TIME! ALL THE TIME! GOD IS GOOD!

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Whatever

I heard this song come on my radio today and it seemed to fit in with yesterdays post.

Whatever by Steven Curtis Chapman.

JMJ+
~Betsy


Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Our Daily Bread

I don't remember where I heard or read this but lately it' s been coming back to me again and again. I was listening to or reading something about the Our Father. When he got to the line "give us this day our daily bread" he compared that to the manna in the wilderness. In the wilderness they only had enough bread to last them through one day and if they tried to save up for tomorrow the bread would go bad. This has been a reacuring theme in my life right now. Not just to trust God with my future in the convent but to trust Him with my today as well. It also made me think of the verse "Do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of it's own."
I've been learning a lot in the past four and a half months just how much I'm really not in control of my life. I asked for my application papers in Nov. because I thought that was His plan for me. He showed me it wasn't so I applied for NET thinking that was His plan for me. That didn't happen so now my plan is to go to college and study American Sign Language. I have no idea what the next one to three years may bring, I don't even know how long I will be waiting to enter, but I have come to learn that no matter what happens He will give me my daily bread, not enough for tomorrow, or this year or this next three years, but enough for today!

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Life

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Life has been busy and rather stressful lately. I didn't get accepted to NET so I've been dealing with that and trying to figure out what I am going to be doing next year. I've also still been having a bit of a hard time with waiting to enter.
I'm taking a sign language class at the community college so that's eating up a lot of my time and band festival is coming up soon. I'm helping put on a retreat with my youth group which is this weekend and I'm also playing piano for Mass on retreat. But life is good. I'm, slowly but surely, learning to live one day at a time and to make the most of every moment. Of course I still have a hard time staying out of the future but, by the grace of God, I'm learning.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

You Are Loved

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This doesn't have a name yet but I wrote this in Adoration this morning. For Lent one of the things I'm doing is a devotional called A Forty Days Journey with Gerard Manley Hopkins. It starts each day with either a poem or a part of a letter and then it has different steps to pray with that quote. Today's quote was on totally surrendering to God's will.

I am carrying my cross. Walking in the footsteps of the Lord. Ready to die with Him so I may rise with Him.

I am walking along the way, every foot step seems to make my cross grow heavier, cutting into my shoulder, the weight of it is pressing me down.

Step by step I go. Every step getting harder. It's too much, I'm starting to fall. I can't bear this any more.

Oh my Jesus I have fallen. I could not do it. I have failed you. My love is not strong enough.

I'm laying on the ground now, in pain and anguish. Not only have I the pain of the cross but the pain of my failure as well.

Then I look up and there you are. You have been with me all along. I am filled with your love as I gaze into your eyes.

Somehow a tine portion of your strength flows into my tired weak body and your love pours into my aching heart. I must go on!

I continue to walk this way you have chosen for me. Yet again every step is more difficult then the last. Yet I keep my eyes fixed on you.

But then the pain becomes to much and I take my eyes off of you to see how much father I must go.

That is when I begin to stumble again. I try with everything I am to find you again before I fall but I can't.

I'm on the ground again. I've fallen a second time. Again filled with pain and anguish my eyes search for you.

I find you. We lock eyes. You say to me from the crowd "My daughter, I love you and I will never leave you."

Somehow just knowing of your love for me gives me the strength to carry on. Step by step I carry on with you by my side.

But then again I find myself wondering "How long can this go on? How can I do this on my own? Why is He asking this of me? I can't do it alone! Why is this happening to me? Where are you God?"

That's when I fall for a third time. I lay there exhausted, unable to move an inch. Not just the physical pain of the cross but the knowledge that I have failed you yet again keeps me on the ground. I lay there wondering how I can possibly go on.

Then from the crowd you come forward. I see you talking to the soldier. You come to me and lay down beside me.

I am so confused! Why are you, the king of kings, laying on the dirty ground next to me, who has failed you three times already?

You look me in the eye and say to me "My daughter I love you and I will never leave you." Then you stand up, your clothes all dirt, take my hand and help me up. I stand there in front of you, dirty and ashamed but ready to continue.

You put the cross back on my shoulders. I wince under the weight but your love gives me strength.

I go to take a step and it doesn't seem so heavy. I look behind me to see why this is and I see you.

You, who already went through this for me, You, the King of Kings. You are carrying the back of my cross for me.

And so we continue on our way. Together.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

This Week in Feminine Hair Styles

Thanks to Rose at VictoryRoseforChrist.blogspot.com for hosting this.

The idea is to post a hair style a day that truly shows how beautiful women are as daughters of the King.

Mine turned into this week in head coverings instead though because I have chosen to cover my head full time and so have had to come up with ways to cover and still do stuff with my hair. So here goes.

Day One.

This is my black bandanna. Take a square of black cotton and fold it into a triangle and tie under your hair. This is mostly what I wear when I'm just hanging at home. It's really easy and versitile.

Day Two

This is my snood. My brother got this for me for Christmas. It's Meg's Tea Snood from http://garlandsofgrace.com This is by far my favorite head covering. It goes with everything and actually stays on my head! I wear my hair in a bun at the base of my neck and then tie it in a double knot then a bow and just leave the rest of it hanging.

More to come.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria!

WIFHS

OH NO!! I'm so sorry! I just got on here for the first time in quite a while and realized that this past week was the week in feminine hair styles and I totally forgot all about it!! Life has been kind of crazy busy this past little while but, God willing, I'll be getting a weeks worth of hair styles up here either tonight or tomorrow.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Ever Onward.

All around me is darkness, I have no idea where I should be going, yet I can't stop walking.

Walking, walking, always walking yet never being able to see where this path is leading.

I just keep walking in the darkness and the fog. No light to see the path yet on and on I go.

Darkness is all around me and I cannot see anything yet something is drawing me on, on, ever onward.

What is this that draws me ever on? What is the sense of light though all is darkness? Where is this peace coming from when all is chaos?

Even in the midst of darkness, wondering and fear there is light, clarity and peace.

Where does it come from? It can only come from God. He is the source of all light and peace, peace that truly passes all understanding.

He alone is my light and my peace. He alone will show me the way. He alone is leading me on, on, ever onward.

New years quotes

I went to Mass on New Years eve at a church I had never been in before. There was a painting of Mother Theresa above which it said "Find your own Calcutta." Next to her was a painting of Solanus Casey above which it said "Let's see what the good God wills."
These two quotes really stuck out to me because I've been having a really hard time staying out of the future. I would really like to know where my life is going and it scares me a little bit, okay it scares me a lot, that I have no idea where I'm going. I was really upset about everything that had been happening when I walked into Mass. Seeing those two quotes really helped me to realize that A) I don't need to be in the convent in order to be evangelizing and B) It's okay that I don't know what His will for my future is, I just need to wait for Him to show it to me.
It's still kind of hard but I've decided that I need to take a break and so am not going to be posting on either of the vocations forums I've been a part of and have also decided to stop posting on the vocations blog for a while. I have no idea how long this is going to last or even if I'll be able to do it at all but I really feel like I need to try it because I think it will help a lot. Please say a prayer that I will be able to find the courage to actually do this.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.